Taking Up Space

Taking up space has been something I’ve been taught to deter from, or playfully shamed for, for most of my life. It’s been the taboo subject that creates glaring eyes or judgmental whispers from across the room.

From being told that “it took 4 adults to raise you, you were so wild”, to being playfully teased for my trichotillomania, which was a direct result to being unable to cope with big feelings and in turn, reaching for some sense of control with what I could, to being groomed to be a martyr, similar to the wounding of many generations before me — I was told that I was a lot and others should come first.

It was conditioning that has caused me to be angry, sad, scared, and feeling low for much of my life. I look at pictures from my very early childhood as I grew up and that light that once shown brightly was dimmed to make others more comfortable. I was taught to believe that I was a lot and should be less, not by malice, but through fear that was carried through many family members before me.

And honestly, sometimes I was, and still can be a lot. That doesn’t make me “bad”, nor does it mean that I need to shrink myself to be small to make others comfortable. It just means I can be a lot. So what?

I’ve also learned that I’m no more “big” or “too much” than anyone else, especially other neurodivergent people. It’s conditioning that pushed me to silence myself, make myself small, or put myself in a box to please others.

I’m learning more and more that my bigness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s also the root cause of my larger body coming into the picture. If I feel like I’m too big emotionally, I’ll put myself in a big container to keep people away and keep myself safe. I’ll also be “big” with my reactions since I’m used to stuffing them aside/inside to ensure others’ are not inconvenienced by me.

That narrative doesn’t fit anymore and holy sh*t, it’s remarkable how quickly I’m changing my physical and emotional appearance now that I’m learning new ways of being.

The ManiSisters Retreat was a large aspect of me making this change, although it is something I’ve been working on for the past few years. I led a “Taking Up Space” meditation at the retreat that left others, and myself, with an impact to do just that: take up space. I remember being complimented by a fellow ManiSister for my ability to stop what I was doing to care for myself physically whenever I was called to do so. I was plagued with altitude sickness for the first couple of days in Colorado and shamelessly used my canned oxygen throughout the retreat or left the group to honor my body and rest as it acclimated to the elevation. Taking up space not only became safe again; it was celebrated.

Walk wide with your arms out, spinning in circles if you choose, or simply lay on the supportive Mother Earth and realize there’s never too much you can give her without getting nurturing and support. However it looks to you, just do it. The space is yours to relish in, if you choose.

And it’s always a choice, even if I didn’t see it before. I have always had the choice to put me first, I just didn’t know it. It wasn’t modeled.

Taking up space is something that comes naturally to me with a defined G and defined ego (Human Design talk). I inherently know my worth and have a very strong sense of self that is far different than most people. Fitting in became difficult for many reasons, but I feel that it was difficult because I carried energy that not everyone does.

Combine that with 3 individual circuitry channels and I’m seen as selfish or narcissistic for feeling free in taking up such space; however, my goal is to be more of a role model who empowers others to do the same rather than take up all the space.

I sit here writing this and I realize that I’ve always been pretty comfortable with taking up space. It’s more the backlash from doing so that became uncomfortable for me. I didn’t want to be rejected (a huge wound for many Manifestors) and I wanted to be loved as deeply as I love others.

Unfortunately, that’s not always possible. When you take up space, you take a risk. Those that are not in alignment with you may cast you away or leave your life. You risk walking a lone path where you travel in solitude while also building even more strength and wisdom before coming back to your home base to share your journey and lessons with those around you. Joseph Campbell calls this, “The Hero’s Journey”.

With these lessons surfacing, and more space of my own being taken up with every breath, I ask my clients – and you, “How can you take up space today?” I’m sure there are dozens of ways you can expand your energy or your impact to better yourself and those around you. I’m here to help you look if you call me out to do so, too.

I’d love to hear how you’ve taken up space. How have you unapologetically (or apologetically, depending on where you are in your healing) taken up space in your own life? Start with taking up space in the comments below.