Thanksgiving

Some realizations in the spirit of Thanksgiving:

Hurting myself is something I’ve become unfortunate comfortable with as a method of survival for most of my life. Self harm through withstanding painful relationships, drinking, drug use, food addiction/binging, saying yes when I mean no, and the physical form of self harming – punching, slapping, screaming at, pulling hair, scratching, you name it. I hated me for being me for most of my life. “Less than” is what comes to mind.

Recently, through the work of somatic therapy and EMDR, I’ve begun to realize that I never needed to hate myself for being me. My “too much”-Ness was unwelcome to most, but it was never about me. It was about them; their inability to handle me. Their inability to cope with the big feelings I brought to the table.

I went through a similar hating/wanting to be student/trying to escape the pain when Emileigh was born. I hated my life and myself most of the time and she was an awful reminder of that, you know, looking like me and all. The constant needing, crying, screaming, wanting, passivity of her existence without little ability to communicate and me needing to fall back into old patterns where I needed to be a mind reader to keep myself safe and sound. Over the past year; however, I’ve learned that that’s no good. I’ve learned that there’s no need to escape the pain and discomfort. There’s simply a willingness to endure it that’s required. Nothing more, nothing less. A willingness to show up, feel the feelings, ride the wave, and rise up to meet a higher certain of myself that knew I was sick and caught in a really negative feedback loop of my (generational) trauma.

Over the past year, I have learned to let go. Truly let go. Like, actually let go of the need to have control of everything around me (it didn’t work anyway) and let go of the illusion that I could fix everything that was “broken” around me. (Spoiler alert: nothing was broken, I was just scared of my togetherness and presence that it felt like it). Fast forward to today, and I engage in a deep healing experience with Hara Love and I’m able to sink enough into my body to know that I’ve been holding onto fear that doesn’t serve me. The whole point was to let go of things as they rise up, not hammer them back down for some sense of false safety. The murky waters within can magically transmute into a waterfall of energy, flowing out of me with love and tenderness, and also whatever anger that needs to be channeled. I am free to relax and adventure (in person or in my mind) and take CARE of myself, not punish myself for not achieving an unachievable perfection.

I AM BLESSED 🙌 Seriously though, this pain has been carried for so long. Decades. Breathing into my chest and abdomen. Dancing it out. Sighing it out. Shaking it out. All skills that I teach to my clients but for some reason don’t access for myself regularly enough. I’ve got this. I feel unstoppable and capable of anything I want. Divinely connected with myself and my feminine energy that’s been dormant within, living in fear and overpowered by a really unnecessary masculine energy that I’ve been programed to believe is helpful. I release it all and am able to create anew. Talk about gratitude on this Thanksgiving eve.

A year ago, I was walking around with a self inflicted accidental black eye from a meltdown (one of the many things that led me to being tested and diagnosed with autism) and the shame & posttraumatic stress that came from that, hating myself for everything I couldn’t be, and scared to move in any direction. Today I am deeply practicing being IN my body rather than running from it. I’m allowing myself to feel the feelings, communicate without malice, mean what I say and say what I mean, and give love to others AFTER giving myself that love. I am healing from the inside out. I am making it, and creating a reality I don’t want to run from. I am happy sometimes, but have found a level of contentment that profoundly surpasses that fleeting joy. I am capable of far more than I’ve ever given myself credit for, and for many years even knew. I am making it, finally, with no regrets or things holding me back, especially myself.

I am grateful for the food on my table (and in my belly), the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the job that sustains my family, the funds we have saved or borrowed to keep us afloat, a partner worth fighting for who’s also willing to grow, a family that loves me, a healthy, loving little girl that grows far too fast but I’m so in love with, and a healthy me to acknowledge all of this without reservations. Thanksgiving is not a day but a mindset, and I have it.

I’m still tired, and scared a lot of the time, but I’m also peaceful, and for that, I’m grateful.

Blessings to all. We all have so much to be thankful for. 🙏❤️🙏