Not all healing is made equal. Let’s take a look at our role in our own healing, and sometimes, our own suffering.
I was scrolling through my memories on social media the other day when I stumbled upon a domestic violence recovery post that I made 4 years ago.
I have been sitting with that experience for about a week now, still in awe at the young woman I was, choosing to leave situations that I naively got myself into more than once. I was so angry and afraid, yet so brave for picking myself and leaving the situation.
Each time it was a little better, but I’ve learned over the years that you can’t fix the problem if you don’t look at what’s causing it.
I also learned that “just leaving” DOES NOT solve the problem… not even a little bit. It just shifts the problem to a new experience (read: problem) until you learn the lesson that was made for you to learn. While it may be controversial to say aloud, I acknowledge my role in the situations I found myself in (or even put myself in) and realize that I was “just as bad” (shaming language) or “just as hurt/hurtful” (empowering language) as my “abusers”, which I now choose to call “abusive connections” or even better “unhealthy connections”.
In short, I took my power back (Hallelujah!) Buuuttttt, it was not that easy or simple.
Read on to hear about what I learned.
Recognizing that I participated in my pain has allowed me to reach the level of healing that I’m currently experiencing. This healing path has allowed me to be a better mom, a better person, a better therapist, a better healer, a better daughter, and a better partner.
I realize that in hindsight, I attracted these experiences by lacking boundaries, not knowing how to stand up for myself, not knowing my worth, people pleasing, and not loving myself. One may hear this as “victim blaming”, but I hear it as a new opportunity for self-reflection and healing.
I settled for less than I deserve and I was chasing an illusion of what I thought love should look like (spoiler: that wasn’t real, pure love).
That isn’t to say that I wasn’t a victim at times or that I was deserving of these experiences. I was a victim and could’ve (should’ve) pressed charges for some of the shit I went through. I have also learned that being a victim is one thing, but staying a victim is another. And more so, choosing to move on without fully healing can cause you to pass on the abuse to another. That’s where I have found myself over the past 3 years, especially.
Abuse, and the narcissistic, power and control hungry or fear based traits that cause it, is insidious. I look back at these experiences and I recognize that I felt so deeply abused and afraid that I became the statistic that began to act like my abuser.
I used the tactics that were used to control me to protect myself, but in an irrational, unhealthy way.
And I hurt many people, including my parents, friends, and past partners (call it reactive abuse if you want, but it’s still abuse nonetheless) but mainly my life-partner and co-parent, Scott, with my post partum anxiety and psychosis. I’m still forgiving myself for that one, and our relationship continues to be tested from the wake of that pain. I’ve lost close friendships, and in many ways, I lost myself.
Healing these parts of myself have been the hardest task I’ve ever done.
While I’m still looking and seeing what I can unlearn, I’ve delved deeper into my healing than I ever thought was possible… and I’m STILL learning and growing. The journey is never over. Layers come off and a new me emerges with each one.
With this healing, not only have I found the strength to forgive those who’ve hurt me*, I’ve found the strength to forgive myself for letting them.
*(and not just DV, but sexual abuse, and generational abuse),
I’ve forgiven myself for volunteering over and over for maltreatment, for saying yes when I meant no, for hurting back, for abusing myself with self harm, food, drugs, and alcohol, and for hurting others unknowingly (that’s a really big one). Through all this, I’m STILL forgiving myself. It comes in layers. Sometimes moment to moment kind of layers, while others come off all at once like a huge ego death.
I forgive myself each time I look into my daughter’s eyes and see her unconditional love for me, and her forgiveness for when I make mistakes (which is why I’m hell bent on creating change so I don’t unintentionally hurt her as much as she grows).
Along with this forgiveness, compassion grows for myself as compassion for her grows, then it spreads to those around me.
This time, it’s not self-betrayal masked as compassion. I’m not enabling anyone or myself, and I’m not giving away my power. I’m now able to see, and nurture, my inner child as clearly as I see her and nurture her in her childhood. Every day I’m learning more, too, which is the greatest gift of all.
I share this because we all talk about the victim/perpetrator dynamic.
We all talk about how bad the abuser is, and how innocent the victim is, forgetting that growth requires a level of full accountability that is downright uncomfortable.
This isn’t to say that there are not situations where there are people who are solely victims, but if you look at the whole picture, it’s likely that the perpetrator was a victim once too, and in turn created a loop that both people (often unconsciously) participated in.
Sometimes for the sake of “love”, or loyalty, or safety, or even fear. Regardless, it’s a loop that happens, and my hope is that anyone that finds themselves in it, chooses to break the cycle and discontinue it.
This will look different to different people, but above is how it looks in my story.
If you find yourself on a similar loop and you want to step off, but are struggling with how to do that, reach out to me.
I’d love to chat and possibly work with you on that goal.
Healing a gift that you can not only do for yourself, but for the collective, as well as generations that follow you.
After all, if you don’t know how to listen to your inner voice, you’ll stay in situations that are bad for you and you may find that your problems repeat themselves. Unfortunately SO many people are not taught to listen to it, too. Hell, many don’t even know it’s there or what it sounds like, and that’s passed on for generations.
This is why the main thing I teach at Rising Phoenix Intuitive Wellness is to locate that inner voice – that inner healer we all have within us.
I have spent so many years finding it that I can’t help but want to share the miracle that is self healing. I hope you join me, even if it’s from a distance. Feel free to go to my social media pages and share your story here, too, whatever it may look like.
You’re safe here.
Rising Phoenix Intuitive Wellness 